Sojourner

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Romans 12.2

How often this verse is thrown out yet how little it is actually lived out. To actually tear oneself away from culture and patterns of society in order that God's will may be known is a lot harder than what modern Christianity is. Would the disciples of Jesus actually recognize the Church today as ones who follow the Way? Even as one who strains to pull away from culture and into the wounds of Christ I find my nose being rubbed in the dirt of the spirit of this age, once again overcome by the quick, self- pleasing pleasures of the world.

We may say over and over again, do not lay up for yourselves treasure on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal (Matthew 6.19) yet look at our houses, look at our cars, look at our iPhones, look at our computers and programs, look at our clothes, look at our extravagant Caribbean vacations twice a year. Now turn your gaze to Jesus. Where was His vacation when for three years straight He travelled the Judean countryside and ministered? Why did He travel on foot instead of acquiring a shining chariot? Why didn't He live in a two thousand square foot home to entertain and teach those who came to Him, but instead He declared that, the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head. (Luke 9:58)

Beloved, I beg you as sojourners and pilgrims, abstain from fleshly lusts which war against the soul. 1 Peter 2.11 And I beg you, fellow lovers of Jesus, those who desire to experience the fullness of His love and delight over you. I beg you, I ask you to abstain from fleshly lusts. The gospel is offensive, it is not culturally relevant. The greatest marketing team consists of The Father, Son and Holy Spirit. If a place where the glory of God dwells and love of Christ abounds in the lives of those who serve the house of the Lord then certainly the lost, broken and outcast will find themselves at your doorstep. They will not come to a familiar place that smells, looks, and sounds just like every other trendy showcase out there. They will come where they can find acceptance no matter if extra grace is required. The hurting will come to know the love of Christ which surpasses all knowledge and understanding, where humility abounds and self-preservation and humanistic religion is cast out.

I pray that the Holy Spirit may open up our eyes, that we may see wondrous things from Your law, for we are strangers in the earth. Let us put on Christ and make no provision for our flesh. May we find the narrow path where the poor in spirit, meek, merciful, peacemakers not peacekeepers and pure in heart once found their way.

Hidden

As I sit here eating peanut butter soup reminiscing of the times I've had in the Onething Internship, I can't help but feel a desire for hiddeness. A longing to only be seen by the eyes of the Lord. I want to be veiled from man's eyes, opinions, thoughts, judgments and requirements beating down on my soul. Fitly set eyes like doves, pure, unadulterated, affectionate, jealous are the ones of God.

The glorious truth is that He never stops gazing on me. This may be a terrible, exposing reality for some yet for the vulnerable and aching heart this is life. The lovesick ones cry out from the wound of love requesting more, more, more. My Beloved, the One I love, Jesus, King of righteousness is who I fully give myself to. All of my actions, words, thoughts and motives are unto intimacy.

I don't love You nearly to the depth that I want. Come and set Your seal of love upon my heart, God. You hold all my affection. Be the flame inside me, awaken love. Keep me hidden in the shadow of Your wings.

Words Have Substance

Speak evil of no one, to be peaceable, gentle, showing all humility to all men. Titus 3.2

Not just the ones I like, enjoy or agree with. For words form life. . . or earth. There is an inherent capacity for words to actually depict and prophesy things that aren't as through they were. Sure, man cannot say, 'light' and instantly brightens surrounds (save for the last days when great power will come upon those who believe). Yet being made in the image of the eternal, immortal, invisible God we possess His qualities on a small scale. For example, a boy who is constantly told from his father that he is stupid will actually begin to believe it. His father has the authority to bless or curse him.

Blessing is not just for Isaac. Cursing is not just for demonized witches and warlocks. Humans are spirit in nature. Christians are you listening? The ones caught in evil actually have an understanding of power and authority that clings to words, although twisted in its function. Words can breathe life, vigor and encourage or they can demean, cast down and bring death.Even if I'm not directly cursing someone to their face I am provoking their spirit to be disquieted.

In essence, Matthew 5 is filtering itself in here, For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? Bringing it back to Titus, this act of love, this reality of loving your brother as yourself manifest as speaking evil of no one. For without love I'm just a clanging gong, nothing but air occupied, no real death, no real message, no real Christian.

For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men, teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously and godly in the present age. I've got to continue in the spirit what started in the spirit. If I attempt to reign myself in I will fall miserably. To call on the grace of God, to hide in the wounds of Christ recognizing that my life is not my own can only suffice.

Submit to the Holy Spirit. Wash, regenerate and transform the workings of my mind by the washing of the water of the Word. Releasing mercy is my only option. To not let pride sneak its slippery and sly ways into my Christian life. Jesus is coming back, I've got to partner with Hi in seeing millions of souls saved before His judgments on the wicked pour out. I do this by speaking evil of no one, to be peaceable, gentle and showing humility to all men.

Oh, When I Meet Him in the Clouds

“For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. . .” 1 Thessalonians 4:16,17

It sounds like a rather loud event. Jesus, the one who’s head and hair are white like wool and eyes like a flame of fire with a sharp two-edged sword coming out of His mouth shall be shouting (Rev 1:15,16). Also the voice of an archangel, not just an ordinary minister of God, but a chief or principal angel that constantly ministers in His counsel. Lastly, a trumpet, an alarm, a loud brass instrument resounding. Coincidentally in Revelation 11 at the seventh and last trumpet the Faithful Witness, Jesus, returns and avenges His bride from the wicked hands of the Anti-Christ. 1 Corinthians 15:52 declares, "in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised incorruptible and we shall be changed."

All Christians vanishing mysteriously with no sign or warning and all those who are left behind are simply those who do not have a relationship with Jesus and alone they must endure the rise of the Anti-christ feels incredibly disheartening and not at all like the merciful God I know.The notion of only unbelievers suffering through the most concentrated amount of wickedness and immorality is sad. How ever will a harvest be reaped? How can "every eye see Him, even they who pierced Him" if no one notices that all Christ followers are gone? (Rev. 1:17) Jude 14 claims, "Behold, the Lord comes with ten thousands of His saints." If Jude could number it, I'm sure we will see it.

I'm excited!

Jesus, I will see You coming with the cloud! I can't wait to be surrounded with such a great cloud of witnesses on that Day. That Day when You'll come back for me and every wrong will be made right and You will establish righteousness on the earth as it is in heaven. I will know in assurance that this life is not in vain. No longer peering through a dim mirror trying to get a glimpse of You. Oh, what a glorious day! Every eye will see You and all will know that You are indeed alive and have risen for the sake of Love. You shall not let Your bride wander away from You any longer. Thank you Jesus for being Faithful and True.

Partnering With Me

I’ve decided to continue my stay at the International House of Prayer in Kansas City and be trained in the love of Christ at Forerunner School of Ministry (FSM) for at least six more months. My heart has come alive as I’ve read, sang and prayed the Word in the Global Prayer Room. The One Thing Internship that I will complete in December has laid a foundation of prayer, fasted lifestyle and what wholehearted love for Jesus looks like in my life. I miss San Diego and Newbreak Church incredibly yet I cannot help but feel the tug of the Lord asking me to wait before I enter into ministry and to cultivate intimacy with Him.

So here I am, an intercessory missionary! I never knew what intercession meant or was let alone the acute importance of daily, sustained prayer coupled with fasting. Everyone here is not perfect in their living of a Christian life, sin is called sin and when confessed and repented it is forgiven and covered in love. Don’t worry it’s also not a cult, I promise! It’s definitely a lot different than church in California but that doesn’t mitigate the genuine and authentic fruit of the Spirit displayed at IHOP.

The last thing I want is to sound elitist, like I have it all figured out or slightly less than a Pharisee, I feel like I’m now more in touch with the lies that I live with and sin patterns in my life that with the grace of God is slowly ebbing off. I don’t feel like I’m called to Kansas City forever, in fact, I know that California is where God wants me, but the prayer movement isn’t going anywhere and as YWAM and IHOP converge the missions and prayer movements there will be a fulfilling of the Great Commission in the next five years. Can you believe it?! It’s so exciting almost every tribe, tongue, people and nation will have heard the gospel of Jesus Christ!

I will be taking two classes every week which changes monthly as well as a practicum, 24 hours in the week in the GPR and service hours. The school is $1500 a semester and housing is $283 a month (I’m living with two of my roommates from the internship in a small house next to IHOPU) not including groceries, gas and giving. I would love to be fully funded in this next season of my life to be focused on learning the mysteries of Christ and developing a deep love for Him. Even Jesus had women who ministered to Him as He traveled to all the cities.

Please pray about partnering with me for the next six months with either a onetime or monthly gift. I genuinely appreciate all of the prayer that you have labored for me in the last six months and hopefully will for the next.

Truth

I've got to die to myself     
     hide in the wounds of Christ
Humbly declare my depravity
     apart from the resurrected Man

To loose the bonds of the world
    even if I look foolish
My Lover puts to shame
     the mighty acts of the world

My life is not my own
    forsaking it all to be a disciple
I shall lose my reputation
    in the abandonment

My frail frame supported by the Cross
     a weak yes ravishes
This is who I am
    but dust yet eternal

I will follow the Lamb
     wherever He goes
You know me well
     what you say is true

The American dream is not my reality
    I believe Your evaluation above man's
Beauty for ashes
     pure love, no false motives

None Like God

Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, to God who alone is wide, be honor and glory forever and ever Amen. 1 Timothy 1:17

It completely makes sense to me now why all honor and glory belong to God forever and ever. He alone is wise. Isaiah 40, Who instructed Him and taught Him in the path of justice? Who taught Him knowledge and showed Him the way of understanding? Clearly, He possess all understanding, all thoughts of man are inferior to Him. Thus render Him all honor and glory.

For why on earth should any mortal creation receive praise? The Father of rain, the Giver of life, the One who commanded the morning. Who is like God? Because He is I AM. Because He’s always been existing, eternity past and future. He’s outside of time. He is immortal. Nothing can take His life, Jesus offered Himself up as a sacrifice. He is completely and totally other than. He is invisible. I cannot see Him, for if I did surely I might die.

He is holy. He is mighty. Oh, woe is me for I am undone! A woman of unclean lips. I cannot even fathom what I could possibly imagine Him to be like. For what likeness will I compare to Him? None. Nothing. No one. He is incomparably different. He is so perfect, so good, so indescribable. There are no words to depict Him and that is quite alright.

The Cry of my Heart

I just want to love You Jesus. Why can’t the world see that it has freedom screaming out to them from the inside of their spirit. Jesus won’t You come and back and fully redeem us to You. Come and make the dark world bright with Your light. Will You awaken hearts to the knowledge of the truth of Your heart for Your created ones, made in the image of You.You are holy, fairer than the sons of men. You never change, you are glorious, radiant and beautiful. Come back Jesus. I need You more than I know. Vindicate me O Lord by Your coming. I desperately seek Your face but all I have is this dimly lit mirror. Come and restore clarity. Humanity is so far from Your original design.I cry out from the depths of my heart and stand in the gap for humanity and plead with You to come back. I need You, I cannot deny my inherent need of a Savior, You. All flesh is grass fading away only You last, only You remain.

I’m not worthy of Your sacrifice yet You see me as worth it. How can that be? Such a wretch like me, a hopeless basket case. Yet You made me and You love me, every single part. Even the past is wiped clean. The character traits that I think are displeasing You have declared it good. I am in You and You are in me. Take me to the place where You are. You are holy. I want to stand before Your throne of grace completely held captive by Your beauty. I want to gaze in fascination at the emerald rainbow of mercy that surrounds Your throne. I’m thirsting for You in this dry and weary land. Oh how I need You, oh how I long for You face to face.

I know one day we will be together. You will open up the gates of New Jerusalem and say, “Enter and find rest My child.” There will be no need for the sun for the Son shall the light, You will be my sunshine. I will have a new name, a new body glorified like Jesus’, and the capacity to freely receive from You and bow before Your feet in worship for days on end since there will be no night there. Eternity is just a shore. I want to swim in Your kindness and love for me. I’ve never loved like this, I’ve never been so in love. Bridegroom, King and Judge won’t You take me into You completely one day.

Expand my capacity for more of You Holy Spirit. Strengthen my inner man. Let my will be pleasing to You. I delight in Your word daily, it is the lamp unto my path. Guide me now and forevermore I pray.

Hallelujah Amen!

Mourning for the Bridegroom

Matthew 9: 14,15 -Then the disciples of John came to Him saying, “Why do we and the Pharisees fast often, but Your disciples do not fast?” And Jesus said to them, “Can the friends of the bridegroom mourn as long as the bridegroom is with them? But the day will come when the bridegroom will be taken away from them, and then they will fast.”

Now that Jesus has ascended to the right hand of the Father I must mourn, I must fast for Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted (Mt. 5:4). I mourn the loss of Jesus physically dwelling with me on earth. My Beloved is not tangibly present in the day to day. This should break my heart. I should be sick with love for Him, to see Him, to be with Him where He is.

Why am I not?

I do not want the pleasures of life if my Beloved is not in them. I do not want to satisfy longing in my spirit with things other than Jesus. I want a mourning heart. I want to feel the sting of loss. I want to see the depths of depravity when Jesus is not present.

I refuse to let culture or relevant Christianity tell me how and what to think obtains happiness or a good quality of life. I desire for Jesus to define my reality over and over and over again. I want to offer my life as weak, small and insignificant just so that Christ may be lifted up in me.

Holy Spirit I ask for a heart that mourns, weeps and laments over the absence of the bridegroom. I am the bride I have to, want to, must be distraught, inconsolable except for the presence of my Beloved. He is who I want. He is the source of all definitions of joy, gladness and success in this life.

I just want You, Jesus. You’re all I want. I will mourn for the loss of You, but I know that You will come and lift my weary eyes to gaze upon Your burning, jealous love; a most vehement flame.

To live in Your reality. The Father’s heart for humanity is sorrowful. He sees His children running around killing each other, cutting one another down, lying, stealing and hoarding. His heart is love. His joy is peace. He is complete in unity. I mourn as You do, Father. How quickly man turns to strife, bitterness and tolerance, even in Your bride. Where is love? Where are those not looking to be repaid for kindness? Not looking for tax breaks or any other reward? And you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you (Luke 14:14).

Hear the cry of a lovesick heart yearning for and looking to the kingdom ruled by the King of kings, my Beloved and Redeemer. Give me a heart that mourns to find Jesus in this present reality.

Who is God

Some knowledge of what kind of God it is that operates the universe is indispensable to a sound philosophy of life and a sane outlook on the world scene. – A.W. Tozer Knowledge of the Holy

I have not viewed God rightly. My perceptions of relationships colliding with His truths wrecked the process of His grace through my lack of revelation of His true nature. God is not defined by His character traits, or at least the only ones we know of. He is not a balance of parts, but actually the absence of parts: uncreated.

Attempting to ponder the infinitude of God I always deemed useless which, in return, deemed my understanding of Him wrongly. It was always, “Why me? Can’t you just fix this God? You need me to carry out Your work so make me blameless.” No, no, no. How vain of me to think that God must make all efforts to change the nature of my flesh. He wants partnership not a dictatorship. I am made in the image of God, I do not possess all qualities that comprise Him; therefore, I lack strength to carry out His purposes and must redirect my free will unto His desires.

Before the law man did not know what was wrong and what was right. Nothing other than nature existed and because man unconsciously knew of the sin in his heart the law exposed sin. To die to oneself is to admit the faults of man and choose God. Man possesses nothing and must depend upon God through the exercising of moral choice.

In grace through Christ’s fleshly death and divine resurrection, man has now become victorious over sin. Belief in Christ has reversed nature’s sting and plants a new principle in our hearts so that our conduct genuinely desires to promote God. This is the denying of yourself, this is taking up of your cross, this is following God.

He is not against me, He is for me. He does not need me, He wants me. God has not backed Himself into a defenseless corner begging humanity to help Him redeem His reputation. God is not asking us to honor Him out of false pity. He is the undefended Defender. Unbelief is actually putting trust in dying men rather than the Eternal One. God is self-sufficient.

Let hope be the faith in the unseen natural realm and obedience resound because of the testimony of our lives. God is not comprised of love and dishes it out whenever we have been good little children. God is love, so we soak in Him every moment that acknowledges grace, truth and abundant life.

Lasting Over Vast Eternity

As I search deeper into who I am in Christ, I find myself in front of a cracked, aged mirror whose reflection does not show beauty preserved, but of fake, lust-ridden smiles and ragged hair. How did it become like this? When did the blissfully unaware state become the primary stage? How decrepit. How pitiful. How wretched and assuming. The face of complacency. The look of getting by on one's own strength. No more. Take the hammer and smash the reflection. Take it now, rip it off the earth's face and obliterate it. No more, I say, no more.

"Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me away from Your presence,
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,
And uphold me by Your generous Spirit." Psalm 51:10-12

Let's do this together, hand in hand. We will walk faithfully into the brilliant light of His glory. Keeping our eyes on His unmerited favor and ridiculously undeserving faithfulness. Why? Because He loves us so. Together we've sung it. We blasted our hearts out praising Him for this Love so undefinable and expansive yet push comes to shove and we forget. We let Him down. Yes, plural, we. This is community, it is what we stand and strive for. To be in one accord is unity in the most Spirit-lead sense.

Gone, gone, gone.

Commanding complacency gone. Declaring a comfortableness diminished. Arguing against pride, lack of self-control and perversity. Stand in the gap, plead for our forgiveness and humbly walk forward into His righteous truth into Love so willing to give. This is perfect Love, free of envy and selfishness. True Love. Ignore as long as you want, but it does not mean that It has left you. No, its only been marinating, getting ready, gearing up and excited to embrace you once more. Full force into Love I'm running.

Equations

one
two
three
twelve
fourteen
nineteen
twenty

c'mon
simple math
tells the tale.

signs and shapes
figures and diagrams
charts and statistics.

let's add this up
as not to divide trust
multiply you and I.

all logic,
sense of reason
surveyed says yes.

miscount
count once more
the sum of love.

see the stars
weaving across skies
wishing for me and you.

down to the end
frayed edges
scar your palms.

throw out the graph paper
a number two pencil won't do
only you.

Allure

My soul longs
for you

Cries from the
depths
reach for Yours

Be near
Parakletos

Searching
for Spirit and truth

Hallelujah
so faithful
a beautiful rescue

My heart is
thrown a line
Reel me back
into You

Yet you will come
back for me

For my heart
shall falter
into the world's conditions

How gracious
what a gentleman

He is.

I Dare You

why do we love?
all I want is to
stare into your soul

just another day
nowhere to go
except away with you

I soar when you smile
yet my feet are stationary
dream away oh hearts

never enough time
too close to the fire
cautiously in pursuit of danger

feeling like glass
this could break
hold gentle but firm

on the edge
of losing my breath
1, 2, 3 and we're off

do if you dare

I am Hosea's Wife

Back to where
you've kept me,
Somewhere behind mystery
is a smile beckoning

Wait for it.

Promises to break apart
are not worth the time.
After all, I crumble
by your very touch.

Pieces, pieces, pieces.

No length of life
could straighten this mess up
Grace:
the ultimate favor.

One so self less
and pure
Unworthy for
something so unmerited.

See ths bed
I have made for myself?

Dirty sheets.
Bed bugs.
Decay.

Yet you find me
and say,

"From now on
you're living with me.
No more whoring,
no more sleeping around.
You're living with me
and I'm living
with you." (Hosea 3:3 MSG)

Worth it doesn't cut it.

To cultivate
and handle with the
utmost tenderness
is restoration complete.

And so I am Beloved.

A Fool's Card Exposed

"And when that world slows down, dear.
And when those stars burn out, here.
Oh she'll be here, yes she'll be here, "

But will she? After months maybe she will and maybe she won't. After wooing over the powerful senses of the mind and body can she give in? Will this continue to consume her innermost, secret thoughts? Can a love so mysterious and true feel so wrong? Is it even possible to wait? Wait until there's growth, maturity and time to see what is actually truth.

If its like just say so. If its love then shout it loud. Let's not be so youthful and impulsive about this yet that's the irony isn't it? All the signs and signals are obvious. To ignore this would be devastating but to act on it is fatal.

Years down this winding, unpredictable road of life maybe a chance is at love could be probable, but for now forgo intuition and wait. Sorry Dearest, the sorrow of love is in the age of its captor.

Unless this is off-base, in that case the fool's card has been dealt and played.

Enjoy friendship, take delight in laughter, smile exchanges and the secret hope of what could be.

I Shall Swing

we used to have swings

too much freedom they say
dangerous, precarious, too liberating

they took them away

no. no. no.

what does it teach them? they say
to be undisciplined, unruly and carefree

the purity of the swing remains untainted

the sanctity of a hiccup in time
for a split second you are weightless

quick breath
locks breezing across your face
unfaltering sun rays

the world spins madly on
they took away last hopes

childhood dreams are illogical
they say we must persist without wonder

facts are facts
your spirit is dead they say
leave it, mature yourself, march on

i shall swing
spirit soar

refuse dead theories
the swing will live on

alive.

Unseen

spirit of the age
break inside of me
Lord lose the spirit
world on me

give me a revelation
of the unseen
i want to see the
holiness of this moment

what battle rages
what war is there
for my soul

spill out.
break out.
over me.
around me.

the unseen i want to see.

encounters
with angels
confrontations
with demons

take me in the spirit Lord

may i see
Your exceeding power
and greatness

i've got to get close

i must taste the spirit
my eyes burning,
ears pierced by the sounds

to hold glory in my hands
the holy

make me holy like You
purify the insides of me

i can hear drums of Zion
marching towards me
i can feel in my chest

o consume this human heart

rumbling
on the inside of me

Your cloud of glory falls
revelation
revelation
revelation of You

How much did it cost
for Jesus on that cross

i want to feel it
i want to know it

Joy to My Soul

how indelibly faithful He is to me
just, true, unending goodness
can you see the glory of this?
uncompromisingly merciful

bearing the mark on my heart
wearing the seal on my arm
forever claimed to the Lord of all
blessed by courts of heaven

glory to the righteous one
honor and praise inflicted upon His spirit
shall I stay awhile to know You
bursts of compassion exude forth

breath of life
fire of justice
wind of truth
wine of joy

come swiftly sweet Jesus
like the robin's song
You are refreshment
unto my soul

the promise of Your presence
is my lasting endurance
every morning you deliver
great are Your mighty plans!

Your Embrace Feels Like Home

The little beggar girl lives inside of me
Never satisfied with love man brings
Searching anywhere to find what matter most yet
Everything she knows is now lost

She sold herself for a last chance at knowing love
Prostituted everything she could have thought of
Funny thing is tears are the same as rain
Tears leave a stain on her face

Where's her justice?
Where is her voice from the crowd?
Since when did it become ok to take away her innocence?
You grown men you have a responsibility

Society is killing me,
Its killing our daughters,
its killing everything
We have sabotaged life

Bondage is the favorite thing
Self-inflicted wounds of shame
Because there's no sense of security
Goodbye land of the free

No exceptions: a failed human being
Wrapped up in complacency
I am a mystery surrounded in hypocrisy
Without the grace of God Almighty

Rain down cleansing grace
I'm in need of a brand new face
Wipe myself clean of the world's dirty deeds
Suddenly I'm not alone

Your embrace feels like home

New Mercy

"He's faithful to the end
He's faithful to my heart
He's faithful to the end
He will come and marry me"

He is the only one who will come and fill this place of hopelessness
Somehow He hears my tears as they fall
He listens to my eyes pleading for grace and new mercy
The promise of faithful surrender is close to His heart

Glory of God,
Jealous for His bride: me
Why?
How come?
Me.
Such broken, rotten, twisted piece of the body
How could He do this?
Can I receive the freedom without shame?

Goodness in all measure
Faithful to the end
Promise of forever

Found My Blog!

Funny thing, I just found this blog. I mean, it is mine I just never recalled that it was floating out in cyber space. Let me tell you, it is quite weird reading the things I once posted. Boy, I am such a different person. I'm not going to delete those posts, embarrassing as they may be. That was who I am, those were genuinely feeling and thoughts that emulated out of the same body that writes this now.

No, I'm not going to be a journalist... I know you were so curious to find out what happened! Well, I found Jesus... again. It's nice, I quite enjoy the joy of the Lord, the fulfillment of His love and the power of the Holy Spirit. This blog will be a sparse recap of life until now. I actually really think I may start blogging consistently. Hold on, here we go!

November 2008-July 2009: Senior year party days filled with drama, boys, low self-esteem, ditching class, drama and more boys.
July 2009: Australia w/Sarah Northup; reconnecting with the person God created me to be, lifting the oppression of my spirit and freedom in truth and acceptance.
September 2009: Newbreak School of Ministry
December 2009- January 2010: International House of Prayer in Kansas City, MO, life radically changed, transformed by the renewing of my mind and a call to fasting and prayer
Now: Called to OneThing Internship @ IHOP-KC waiting to hear back if I got accepted then raise support!

God's done so many radical things in my life which I will share at a later note as well as poems, journal excerpts and quotes. I like this, just freedom typing away into the nothingness of the night... it's nice.

poema

driving through an endless fog
just to get to you
just to breathe when you do
together, but apart

i can't think clearly
i can't inhale deeply
i can't look away
i can't control this

tell me why
there is a connection to my heart
i never want to hear you say
you want to be without me

i just follow
wherever it takes me
there i go
to keep my head from missing you

spinning with you in fields
laughing near the ends
falling
falling
oh how i enjoy falling with you

there you go
turning me inside out

orange chair, pale yellow wall

you know its real
when the 6'3 man sits in a fading orange chair
sinking into the depths of antique springs
brown, steel toe boots retired
knuckles scabbed
reading glasses perched low on the bridge of his nose

who is he?
just a bearded man,
sitting in a coffee shop reading an economics book?
an ex-spy winding down after a long day of paperwork?
a hopeless poet waiting for his muse to come back?

a pleasant glean on his face
a half smile
focused,
determined,
seemingly stoic

as his wristwatch beeps
signaling who knows what
he stands,
stretches,
breathe in,
breathe out,
pace

we are all the same
humans, trying to get by
figuring out this life thing
all we want isn't all we need

scarlet souls
living out loud

encounter

One sleepless night, the next morning bright and early consumed with junior high ministry. My mind worries if I will conjure up enough energy to be effective this morning yet my body feels weightlessness as the Holy Spirit sustains. Prompting to visit His creation I find myself driving west to the beach. Upon arriving at Marine Street beach on a clear, 70 degree Sunday morning and hardly a body there I notice the tide has drawn out the sand and all tidepools are exposed.

I sit down on a ledge and allow myself to quiet down the busyness of my thoughts. I begin reading the Psalms that proclaim the works of His hands and write in my leather bound notebook about the wonders of creation and our Creator. Fifteen minutes slip by of silence, a restoration of my soul ensues as I hop down, take off my floral mary-janes, roll up the legs of my jeans and begin a journey.

Mastering the slippery rocks coupled with uneven treading ground proves difficult as the two ton Bible in my bag throws off equilibrium. As I come to terms with my footing I notice a small, deep crevice on the edge of the rock with puddle of water and rocks evenly stacked inside. I made this for you. I knew that your heart would soar when you saw this. I made sure you looked right here and knew that I created this moment, this hole in the tidepool for you to enjoy. I stopped. Creator God, Elohim, called to me, beckoned from heaven that He made this for myself alone.

I began walking. A smooth, evenly-rounded white stone, I made this one for you, I know how you like solid yet elegant beauty. You like it right? I nodded to myself and climbed up an even bigger formation. As my feet came near a slight crack, fear of rock-dwelling crabs scuttling out to pinch my toes overwhelmed me, I've got you. Nothing is going to harm you while I'm here. Calm down, trust where I am leading you. Peace swept over me as I reached the top unscathed.

A couple was coming from the opposite direction. Say hello. While passing them I chipperly exclaimed, "Goodmorning!" I was met with beaming smiles. See, it's not that hard. Every place my eyes rested Elohim proclaimed His goodness and promise of love to me. As He ravished my heart, I ravished His. This dream-like state was reality, His presence washed over and over me as frequently as the waves pounded against the rocks near me. Again and again I heard This is for you. Do you like it? Over and over I rested in the peace of His affections.

The tide started to come in and would soon block me from finding the stairs leading to the street, It's ok, you can turn now. Glory from His essence permeated my steps, no longer feeling exhausted from the previous night, overcome by the Holy Spirit, I knew He cared. After minutes of sheer joy passed and whilst sinking in the holiness of the moment, I found my way back through the tide pools.

Up ahead another couple on a walk with their German Sheppard found their way, crossing my path. I looked at the dog Yes, even the dog is made in my image and is part of who I am. The dog ran ahead of his master, bounding straight for me. The man yelled, "It's ok, he's nice!" I smiled and patted the softness of his head, "Ok, thanks!" The dog followed me as I walked closer to the couple, as I passed them, the woman stopped, turned around and said with a suprise, "I guess He likes you!" My heart skipped, my breath was short, my soul leaped. He likes me. God likes me. He did all of this because of His enjoyment and delight He finds in me.

I gazed towards the crashing waves ahead of me, the majestic force of the lip thrusted white foam across the surface. I watched two waves simultaneously form then crash, You're welcome. I walked back to my car, smiling in disbelief at the incredible revelation. As soon as my key hit the lock, tiredness overwhelmed me. He sustains me.

my psalm

Lord, save me from my despair
Lift up my weary head
Fill my soul with gladness
because of Your love

Hear my cry out to You
Let my voice lift up
Recognize the despair I feel
You sustain my soul
Reconcile my heart, O God

I need Your strength
Hold me
Comfort these lovesick bones
God, I plead for restoration
Carry me through

Mend my brokenness
Sew up this tear
Annoint me with the healing agent of the Holy Spirit

Strengthen these weary eyes
to see Your purpose and plan
You hold all life together
Follow through with Your promise
and uphold me in Your right hand

Be my protector
Like a warrior in battle
Father, I am gripped by surrender

Restore my innocence
Refine me now with fire so that I may glorify You.
Selah