"He's faithful to the end
He's faithful to my heart
He's faithful to the end
He will come and marry me"
He is the only one who will come and fill this place of hopelessness
Somehow He hears my tears as they fall
He listens to my eyes pleading for grace and new mercy
The promise of faithful surrender is close to His heart
Glory of God,
Jealous for His bride: me
Why?
How come?
Me.
Such broken, rotten, twisted piece of the body
How could He do this?
Can I receive the freedom without shame?
Goodness in all measure
Faithful to the end
Promise of forever
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Found My Blog!
Funny thing, I just found this blog. I mean, it is mine I just never recalled that it was floating out in cyber space. Let me tell you, it is quite weird reading the things I once posted. Boy, I am such a different person. I'm not going to delete those posts, embarrassing as they may be. That was who I am, those were genuinely feeling and thoughts that emulated out of the same body that writes this now.
No, I'm not going to be a journalist... I know you were so curious to find out what happened! Well, I found Jesus... again. It's nice, I quite enjoy the joy of the Lord, the fulfillment of His love and the power of the Holy Spirit. This blog will be a sparse recap of life until now. I actually really think I may start blogging consistently. Hold on, here we go!
November 2008-July 2009: Senior year party days filled with drama, boys, low self-esteem, ditching class, drama and more boys.
July 2009: Australia w/Sarah Northup; reconnecting with the person God created me to be, lifting the oppression of my spirit and freedom in truth and acceptance.
September 2009: Newbreak School of Ministry
December 2009- January 2010: International House of Prayer in Kansas City, MO, life radically changed, transformed by the renewing of my mind and a call to fasting and prayer
Now: Called to OneThing Internship @ IHOP-KC waiting to hear back if I got accepted then raise support!
God's done so many radical things in my life which I will share at a later note as well as poems, journal excerpts and quotes. I like this, just freedom typing away into the nothingness of the night... it's nice.
No, I'm not going to be a journalist... I know you were so curious to find out what happened! Well, I found Jesus... again. It's nice, I quite enjoy the joy of the Lord, the fulfillment of His love and the power of the Holy Spirit. This blog will be a sparse recap of life until now. I actually really think I may start blogging consistently. Hold on, here we go!
November 2008-July 2009: Senior year party days filled with drama, boys, low self-esteem, ditching class, drama and more boys.
July 2009: Australia w/Sarah Northup; reconnecting with the person God created me to be, lifting the oppression of my spirit and freedom in truth and acceptance.
September 2009: Newbreak School of Ministry
December 2009- January 2010: International House of Prayer in Kansas City, MO, life radically changed, transformed by the renewing of my mind and a call to fasting and prayer
Now: Called to OneThing Internship @ IHOP-KC waiting to hear back if I got accepted then raise support!
God's done so many radical things in my life which I will share at a later note as well as poems, journal excerpts and quotes. I like this, just freedom typing away into the nothingness of the night... it's nice.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
poema
driving through an endless fog
just to get to you
just to breathe when you do
together, but apart
i can't think clearly
i can't inhale deeply
i can't look away
i can't control this
tell me why
there is a connection to my heart
i never want to hear you say
you want to be without me
i just follow
wherever it takes me
there i go
to keep my head from missing you
spinning with you in fields
laughing near the ends
falling
falling
oh how i enjoy falling with you
there you go
turning me inside out
just to get to you
just to breathe when you do
together, but apart
i can't think clearly
i can't inhale deeply
i can't look away
i can't control this
tell me why
there is a connection to my heart
i never want to hear you say
you want to be without me
i just follow
wherever it takes me
there i go
to keep my head from missing you
spinning with you in fields
laughing near the ends
falling
falling
oh how i enjoy falling with you
there you go
turning me inside out
orange chair, pale yellow wall
you know its real
when the 6'3 man sits in a fading orange chair
sinking into the depths of antique springs
brown, steel toe boots retired
knuckles scabbed
reading glasses perched low on the bridge of his nose
who is he?
just a bearded man,
sitting in a coffee shop reading an economics book?
an ex-spy winding down after a long day of paperwork?
a hopeless poet waiting for his muse to come back?
a pleasant glean on his face
a half smile
focused,
determined,
seemingly stoic
as his wristwatch beeps
signaling who knows what
he stands,
stretches,
breathe in,
breathe out,
pace
we are all the same
humans, trying to get by
figuring out this life thing
all we want isn't all we need
scarlet souls
living out loud
when the 6'3 man sits in a fading orange chair
sinking into the depths of antique springs
brown, steel toe boots retired
knuckles scabbed
reading glasses perched low on the bridge of his nose
who is he?
just a bearded man,
sitting in a coffee shop reading an economics book?
an ex-spy winding down after a long day of paperwork?
a hopeless poet waiting for his muse to come back?
a pleasant glean on his face
a half smile
focused,
determined,
seemingly stoic
as his wristwatch beeps
signaling who knows what
he stands,
stretches,
breathe in,
breathe out,
pace
we are all the same
humans, trying to get by
figuring out this life thing
all we want isn't all we need
scarlet souls
living out loud
Monday, January 25, 2010
encounter
One sleepless night, the next morning bright and early consumed with junior high ministry. My mind worries if I will conjure up enough energy to be effective this morning yet my body feels weightlessness as the Holy Spirit sustains. Prompting to visit His creation I find myself driving west to the beach. Upon arriving at Marine Street beach on a clear, 70 degree Sunday morning and hardly a body there I notice the tide has drawn out the sand and all tidepools are exposed.
I sit down on a ledge and allow myself to quiet down the busyness of my thoughts. I begin reading the Psalms that proclaim the works of His hands and write in my leather bound notebook about the wonders of creation and our Creator. Fifteen minutes slip by of silence, a restoration of my soul ensues as I hop down, take off my floral mary-janes, roll up the legs of my jeans and begin a journey.
Mastering the slippery rocks coupled with uneven treading ground proves difficult as the two ton Bible in my bag throws off equilibrium. As I come to terms with my footing I notice a small, deep crevice on the edge of the rock with puddle of water and rocks evenly stacked inside. I made this for you. I knew that your heart would soar when you saw this. I made sure you looked right here and knew that I created this moment, this hole in the tidepool for you to enjoy. I stopped. Creator God, Elohim, called to me, beckoned from heaven that He made this for myself alone.
I began walking. A smooth, evenly-rounded white stone, I made this one for you, I know how you like solid yet elegant beauty. You like it right? I nodded to myself and climbed up an even bigger formation. As my feet came near a slight crack, fear of rock-dwelling crabs scuttling out to pinch my toes overwhelmed me, I've got you. Nothing is going to harm you while I'm here. Calm down, trust where I am leading you. Peace swept over me as I reached the top unscathed.
A couple was coming from the opposite direction. Say hello. While passing them I chipperly exclaimed, "Goodmorning!" I was met with beaming smiles. See, it's not that hard. Every place my eyes rested Elohim proclaimed His goodness and promise of love to me. As He ravished my heart, I ravished His. This dream-like state was reality, His presence washed over and over me as frequently as the waves pounded against the rocks near me. Again and again I heard This is for you. Do you like it? Over and over I rested in the peace of His affections.
The tide started to come in and would soon block me from finding the stairs leading to the street, It's ok, you can turn now. Glory from His essence permeated my steps, no longer feeling exhausted from the previous night, overcome by the Holy Spirit, I knew He cared. After minutes of sheer joy passed and whilst sinking in the holiness of the moment, I found my way back through the tide pools.
Up ahead another couple on a walk with their German Sheppard found their way, crossing my path. I looked at the dog Yes, even the dog is made in my image and is part of who I am. The dog ran ahead of his master, bounding straight for me. The man yelled, "It's ok, he's nice!" I smiled and patted the softness of his head, "Ok, thanks!" The dog followed me as I walked closer to the couple, as I passed them, the woman stopped, turned around and said with a suprise, "I guess He likes you!" My heart skipped, my breath was short, my soul leaped. He likes me. God likes me. He did all of this because of His enjoyment and delight He finds in me.
I gazed towards the crashing waves ahead of me, the majestic force of the lip thrusted white foam across the surface. I watched two waves simultaneously form then crash, You're welcome. I walked back to my car, smiling in disbelief at the incredible revelation. As soon as my key hit the lock, tiredness overwhelmed me. He sustains me.
I sit down on a ledge and allow myself to quiet down the busyness of my thoughts. I begin reading the Psalms that proclaim the works of His hands and write in my leather bound notebook about the wonders of creation and our Creator. Fifteen minutes slip by of silence, a restoration of my soul ensues as I hop down, take off my floral mary-janes, roll up the legs of my jeans and begin a journey.
Mastering the slippery rocks coupled with uneven treading ground proves difficult as the two ton Bible in my bag throws off equilibrium. As I come to terms with my footing I notice a small, deep crevice on the edge of the rock with puddle of water and rocks evenly stacked inside. I made this for you. I knew that your heart would soar when you saw this. I made sure you looked right here and knew that I created this moment, this hole in the tidepool for you to enjoy. I stopped. Creator God, Elohim, called to me, beckoned from heaven that He made this for myself alone.
I began walking. A smooth, evenly-rounded white stone, I made this one for you, I know how you like solid yet elegant beauty. You like it right? I nodded to myself and climbed up an even bigger formation. As my feet came near a slight crack, fear of rock-dwelling crabs scuttling out to pinch my toes overwhelmed me, I've got you. Nothing is going to harm you while I'm here. Calm down, trust where I am leading you. Peace swept over me as I reached the top unscathed.
A couple was coming from the opposite direction. Say hello. While passing them I chipperly exclaimed, "Goodmorning!" I was met with beaming smiles. See, it's not that hard. Every place my eyes rested Elohim proclaimed His goodness and promise of love to me. As He ravished my heart, I ravished His. This dream-like state was reality, His presence washed over and over me as frequently as the waves pounded against the rocks near me. Again and again I heard This is for you. Do you like it? Over and over I rested in the peace of His affections.
The tide started to come in and would soon block me from finding the stairs leading to the street, It's ok, you can turn now. Glory from His essence permeated my steps, no longer feeling exhausted from the previous night, overcome by the Holy Spirit, I knew He cared. After minutes of sheer joy passed and whilst sinking in the holiness of the moment, I found my way back through the tide pools.
Up ahead another couple on a walk with their German Sheppard found their way, crossing my path. I looked at the dog Yes, even the dog is made in my image and is part of who I am. The dog ran ahead of his master, bounding straight for me. The man yelled, "It's ok, he's nice!" I smiled and patted the softness of his head, "Ok, thanks!" The dog followed me as I walked closer to the couple, as I passed them, the woman stopped, turned around and said with a suprise, "I guess He likes you!" My heart skipped, my breath was short, my soul leaped. He likes me. God likes me. He did all of this because of His enjoyment and delight He finds in me.
I gazed towards the crashing waves ahead of me, the majestic force of the lip thrusted white foam across the surface. I watched two waves simultaneously form then crash, You're welcome. I walked back to my car, smiling in disbelief at the incredible revelation. As soon as my key hit the lock, tiredness overwhelmed me. He sustains me.
Monday, January 18, 2010
my psalm
Lord, save me from my despair
Lift up my weary head
Fill my soul with gladness
because of Your love
Hear my cry out to You
Let my voice lift up
Recognize the despair I feel
You sustain my soul
Reconcile my heart, O God
I need Your strength
Hold me
Comfort these lovesick bones
God, I plead for restoration
Carry me through
Mend my brokenness
Sew up this tear
Annoint me with the healing agent of the Holy Spirit
Strengthen these weary eyes
to see Your purpose and plan
You hold all life together
Follow through with Your promise
and uphold me in Your right hand
Be my protector
Like a warrior in battle
Father, I am gripped by surrender
Restore my innocence
Refine me now with fire so that I may glorify You.
Selah
Lift up my weary head
Fill my soul with gladness
because of Your love
Hear my cry out to You
Let my voice lift up
Recognize the despair I feel
You sustain my soul
Reconcile my heart, O God
I need Your strength
Hold me
Comfort these lovesick bones
God, I plead for restoration
Carry me through
Mend my brokenness
Sew up this tear
Annoint me with the healing agent of the Holy Spirit
Strengthen these weary eyes
to see Your purpose and plan
You hold all life together
Follow through with Your promise
and uphold me in Your right hand
Be my protector
Like a warrior in battle
Father, I am gripped by surrender
Restore my innocence
Refine me now with fire so that I may glorify You.
Selah
Friday, November 6, 2009
Choice.
Child why have you forsaken me?
It wasn't I who hurt you,
it was the enemy.
Here are my arms
open wide for you,
I'm waiting 'til you decide
that I love you.
Yes I love you,
precious you.
It is easy to blame God for hurt, issues, struggles, brokeness, loss, fear, destruction, death. It is, in fact, a cop out; we are good blame-shifters and bad responsibilty- takers. God gave us choices, He instilled in us a pursuit for ethical decisions. Humanity has contorted, distorted, redefined what "good" is. Comparing our wrongful actions with those associated as "bad" humans rather than the standard of God; ultimately diminishing the perfect-ness. God's glory is so great, so vast, so abundant, so radiant that it merely shines on our face, or ... is supposed to anyways...
Where is the shine? Jesus is the light of the world, but honestly I'm feeling like we are all looking a bit dull. We need a gleen, we need sparkle; fervent shine. Something, no, Someone came and tried to polish us. That Someone tried with all their might to reveal the incredible Creator who loves us, it took death to accomplish yet for some it's just not enough. For some, it's a fairytale story about a man in history who did "good" things for some middle eastern people a long, long time ago. He didn't do "good," He IS good.
He is, just is.
Can you think about that for a moment?
Can you just exist without anything sustaining you, providing you life? God is. We subconsciously take in oxygen in order to live.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
You begin to notice your heartbeat as blood pulses through your veins. You are once reminded that there is more than the epidermal layer that is the shell of your being. What you see is merely a case to hold the intricties of your bodily functions yet it also holds your emotions, thoughts, soul.
Your soul. Did you forget that you had one? Did you forget that the Holy Spirit of God penetrates you and holds your soul so that you may walk in the ways of God, if you allow it to? If you give over the control, God can change your life. He isn't requiring you to love Him. He doesn't force a relationship with you. You can make that decision on your own, He knows you can handle that choice, but He is jealous for you. That is love.
So when you fall away, when someone pushes you down because they're broken, when you are at a crossroads and decide on the wide path, when you lose hope because the ones you trusted spoon fed you lies: know that it wasn't Him who did it. He set you free to make your decisions yet He also sets you when you let the world overcome you.
He's patienty waiting. He's earnestly watching. He's ready when you are.
It wasn't I who hurt you,
it was the enemy.
Here are my arms
open wide for you,
I'm waiting 'til you decide
that I love you.
Yes I love you,
precious you.
It is easy to blame God for hurt, issues, struggles, brokeness, loss, fear, destruction, death. It is, in fact, a cop out; we are good blame-shifters and bad responsibilty- takers. God gave us choices, He instilled in us a pursuit for ethical decisions. Humanity has contorted, distorted, redefined what "good" is. Comparing our wrongful actions with those associated as "bad" humans rather than the standard of God; ultimately diminishing the perfect-ness. God's glory is so great, so vast, so abundant, so radiant that it merely shines on our face, or ... is supposed to anyways...
Where is the shine? Jesus is the light of the world, but honestly I'm feeling like we are all looking a bit dull. We need a gleen, we need sparkle; fervent shine. Something, no, Someone came and tried to polish us. That Someone tried with all their might to reveal the incredible Creator who loves us, it took death to accomplish yet for some it's just not enough. For some, it's a fairytale story about a man in history who did "good" things for some middle eastern people a long, long time ago. He didn't do "good," He IS good.
He is, just is.
Can you think about that for a moment?
Can you just exist without anything sustaining you, providing you life? God is. We subconsciously take in oxygen in order to live.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
You begin to notice your heartbeat as blood pulses through your veins. You are once reminded that there is more than the epidermal layer that is the shell of your being. What you see is merely a case to hold the intricties of your bodily functions yet it also holds your emotions, thoughts, soul.
Your soul. Did you forget that you had one? Did you forget that the Holy Spirit of God penetrates you and holds your soul so that you may walk in the ways of God, if you allow it to? If you give over the control, God can change your life. He isn't requiring you to love Him. He doesn't force a relationship with you. You can make that decision on your own, He knows you can handle that choice, but He is jealous for you. That is love.
So when you fall away, when someone pushes you down because they're broken, when you are at a crossroads and decide on the wide path, when you lose hope because the ones you trusted spoon fed you lies: know that it wasn't Him who did it. He set you free to make your decisions yet He also sets you when you let the world overcome you.
He's patienty waiting. He's earnestly watching. He's ready when you are.
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