I Cast my Crown

Days where my pride overtakes every ounce of Christ-likeness in me. When I'm fumbling and fuming all in one breath. This is when I cast my crown.

I cast my crown and say not my will but Yours.

I cast my crown and say to You belongs honor.

I cast my crown because I have no good thing apart from He who crowned me.

This beautiful God crowned me with grace and glory. Yeah, He dreamed of me. Yeah, He thought of every quirk, every intonation of my voice, every freckle on my face. So really my good is His.

Today I choose mercy.

I give mercy to the people who knowingly or unknowingly offended me. I extend mercy to myself for dwelling on lies straight from the enemy about my worth, my purpose, my value. I must do this. I have to. Life is a vapor and it is fading ever so quickly. My minor pains and bruises are so miniscule and petty compared to the real injustice occurring in this world. To the merciful, He shows Himself merciful.

I cast my crown and I weep.

I weep over pain.

I weep because it's so silly how much pain I feel over the silliest comment. I weep because I know that God weeps with me over these tiny, itty bitty infractions. No one else sees, but Him. He knows every detail of my life.

I cast my crown and I hold the hand of He who holds this world.

God never enacts the pause control button on the world. He never escapes into fantasy just to not feel the pain over betrayal, to not feel the atrocities of abuse, to not see the hate and murder in families. He never slumbers. He never sleeps.

And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are naked and open to the eyes of Him to whom we must give account. -Hebrews 4.13

I cast my crown, again for I am naked before God. Every vulnerability, every wall of defense, every well articulated argument is leveled before Him.

This is good news. He knows me. He extends mercy because of His humility. He takes my crown that I've casted down and places it back onto my mangled hair. And says, today I've crowned you, today I've given you grace and glory.

He gives us so much dignity. He gives us so much honor. He gives grace and glory to us.

That's why I can cast my crown and love God all the more than I did moments before.

New Beginnings for this Blog

I’m engaged and almost married. Marriage is this beautiful, looming adventure that many travel to yet few fight hard and finish well. For Kyl, my fiancé, and me divorce isn’t an option, at all.  We have settled it; we won’t even throw around such a term in a threatening, fix-yourself fight.

Now let me be blunt: I’ve never been the girl who has dreamed about her fluffy, extravagant wedding. Before I met Kyl, I was content with being single. Perhaps it was my jaded, been there been hurt by men attitude. Even as a child and before the trauma and drama of adolescence, I never played the princess bride. I was rumbling and tumbling through canyons and bare feet with my older brother, hunting coyotes and finding fox skulls.

So into my broken and cryptic life waltzes this unassuming and authentic man, Kyl Michael Means. One and half years later I’m sold, done deal, mind made up: I’m choosing this man to love for the rest of my life. Honestly, he choose me first, but I said yes!

I’m beyond excited to be married!

There’s going to be so much laughter and joy. There’s also going to be so many tears and hard choices. I want to record real life on this blog. Hollywood sells our daughters and friends such a lie when it comes to the “ideal relationship.” I want to demystify love and dating. I want to get down into the nitty gritty of why God created man and woman, why it is not good for man to be without a companion, a helper. I want to share stories of success, failure, hilarity and victory.

In no way do I have the answer. But there’s a path and I’m following this little light of mine and venturing hand in hand with my Friend, my Jesus, my Comforter to encourage, provoke, inspire and guide broken women like myself to lift the vision higher and receive every drop of mercy and glory that the Father eagerly awaits to place into your hands.

The unknown is exciting, requiring the rising out of comfort to find it. Here we go!

December 18, 2012 the day Kyl proposed to me in San Diego

Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:16

This is why I’m writing.

Let your light so shine before men – the truth of what the very Word of God says about marriage, being a godly wife and best friend to your husband that he feels so romanced, honored, encouraged and empowered to walk out his calling.

That they may see – when your husband sees how faithfully and joyfully you love him in prayer, deed, word and thought it in turn causes him to lead your family with such integrity and authenticity, a true partnership.

Your good works – how to walk out love: practically, spiritually, emotionally; how you carry the dreams and secrets of his heart before God, your children and friends.

And glorify your Father in heaven – God is the primary, the reason, the source, the rock of your marriage, it’s all unto Him being made known and receiving love and worship from your family, the picture of marriage is only a type and shadow of our impending union with Him in glory.

Wedding Pressure

These are the days of perfectly "Pinterest-ed" parties and succulent spotted soirees. And do you know what this brings for all party planners? Pressure. Try and factor in if you're a first (and only) time bride! All your friends are exasperatedly telling you, Oh if only I had Pinterest back when I was getting married! Ah, pressure! Then there's girls that aren't married or engaged or dating but they're already crafting and drafting these beautiful wedding ideas. Thus the comparison pressure of her wedding will be better than mine.

Okay, I'll back track a bit... I love Pinterest, really! I'm so grateful that I do have it for the day I say, I do! It has some absolutely amazing DIYs and low-budget ideas that I need, all this creativity harnessed onto one consolidated site is revolutionary! Plus all of my wonderful, dedicated and loving bridesmaids, and mom, can post wedding ideas onto a secret board that no one but us can see.

Back to the pressure: it's there! It's alive, it's breathing down my neck and I am scared to face it!

Or at least I was three weeks ago.

Here's what I've concluded. I've got $5,000 (let's just get real) to throw a once in lifetime celebration kick-starting my forever relationship to the man of my dreams, Mr. Kyl Michael Means. After spending $700 on my dress, $600 on a venue, $1,200 on photography, $500 on tables and chairs, $1,000 for cake and food, $300 for flowers and an unknown amount for a DJ we have yet to find - I'm basically down to maybe $500 for mind-blowing decor that will cause all of our guests to be astounded and loquaciously laude Kyl and I for our innovative, out-of-the-box, beautifully adorned wedding genius!

And that is just not going to happen.

This is the day where all of our friends gather around us, witness our union, bless our life together and then celebrate the glory of covenant! And on June 16th, we'll wake up and the day before remains just a memory.

Weddings are not about the approval from your guests about petty things like the decorations. It's so silly. I completely allowed this pressure for approval to overwhelm me, comparison almost swallowed me whole.

I completely left out Jesus. I was planning this wedding all in the flesh, striving for a corruptible goal: approval of man. But this is the constant poking from heaven on humanity, can I lay this down seeing that it's just wood, hay and stubble?

Yes, oh resounding in my spirit - yes, gladly! Even in the most minute of details, He takes those burdens for me. I wasn't meant to bear the weight of a perfectly put together wedding. No one was even putting this on me except my self. I let culture dictate my every move and I was at the beck and call of "tradition."

June 15, 2013 is the day I've been waiting for all my life. For two years of dating Kyl and I have dedicated our relationship to the glories and purposes of Jesus. Our wedding day marks the beginning of walking out our Isaiah 61:3 banner as a couple.

The pressure is relieved and I cannot wait to be Mrs. Means even if my centerpieces aren't perfect or if the colors don't match. It's a beautiful thing to be married, even the engagement process is refining so I am embracing every moment.

Fellow 2013 brides, don't let all the pressure of perfection weigh down on you. Enjoy the engagement and all the attention from family and friends until that momentous, unforgettable day!

And yes, this picture is from Pinterest! :)

Wedding Website

Wedding websites are a glorious invention, saving couples money and time. May I present to you our wedding website for your browsing pleasure:

mywedding.com/kylandcourtney

Beauty on Bourbon Street

This year during the Super Bowl, I went with a team to New Orleans, Louisiana to minister to women in commercial sexual exploitation. With most sporting events, demand for sex rises as tourists flood in. This was statistically proven with our own recording of the number of Internet prostitution site postings increasing as the Super Bowl drew near.

Balconies filled on the French Quarter

Bourbon Street really is beautiful!

Not only did demand for sex rise because of the Super Bowl, but Mardi Gras was the following week. The strip clubs were incredibly busy with new girls being hired to meet the demand of tourists flocking to the French Quarter.

The team from Exodus Cry with Cindy Collins

We partnered with Cindy Collins from SpeakHope and Diane Amos from Dream Center: New Orleans, to bring hope, life and presents to the girls busy working the strip clubs. 

I went into Stilettos twice with Cindy and Diane back into the dressing rooms to give cake and beauty products. We didn't have too much time because of the shift change but I spoke with "Bubbles" and was able to grab her contact info to talk more with her.

The Lord was definitely moving in New Orleans! Hope was rising amidst the drunken party goers and our intercession shift the dark, lustful atmosphere. 

We also held a prayer meeting at the oldest church in the French Quarter, it was one street away from Bourbon, established in the early 1900's it's surrounded by clubs and bars.

Mama Cindy with Michelle and I, passing on her wisdom, knowledge and mama heart to us young ins! Cindy provokes me, I pray that I am a woman of integrity like her when I'm her age!

There was also down time to enjoy the beauty of New Orleans, our hosts Chris and Debbie Whitty took us on a boat ride down the Pearl River in Slidell, so beautiful!

The entire town of New Orleans and surrounding communities celebrate Mardi Gras like it's Christmas! With beautiful wreaths and festive flags adorning homes, cars and people alike!

For more about the trip to New Orleans with Exodus Cry, Michelle our team member wrote an incredible blog! See it here: http://exoduscry.com/blog/beautyonbourbon/

The Call: Belo Horizonte

 The Call in Belo Horizonte was a time of intercession for issues in the culture and church. Lou Engle and Stacey Campbell were both there as leaders. Blaire prayed for the issue of sexuality and human trafficking.

10 Days in Recife, Brazil

Once landing in Recife, Brazil a fresh anointing came upon our team. That night we were given a crash course in church on the streets from Nic Billman from Shores of Grace, the ministering that hosted us.

Nic, Rachael and their team carries such a heavy grace to walk in the Father's heart. Never before had I encountered such joyful, happy hearts walking in the midst of such poverty and generational abuse coupled with astounding healing power.

They host church in the streets every Wednesday night. They're in the most dangerous part of Recife, a park square known for daily murder, rape and abuse. The police are so corrupt in Brazil that in this square there is a police hut, but they never act on atrocities that occur before their eyes, just wait until the victim is dead.

This is Paulo, he was a homeless man with epilepsy.

Paulo was the first man I prayed for. I had never felt the amount of compassion welling up inside of me before that night. I realized that it was the embodiment of God's heart for this beautiful, broken man. In fact, Paulo was homeless, he lived on a cardboard box. Other street people beat him up and made fun of him because of his epilepsy, it left him utterly helpless. While praying for him, he told us that he felt fire shooting throughout his legs.

Meet Jessica, a beautiful and beaming homeless child

Jessica came to church on the streets both nights we hosted it. We drew butterflies together and she let me paint her nails.

The old church across the street from the park, what happens in the spirit reflects in the natural

Okay, so now here's a break in the spiritual side of this trip: Sao Braz coffee! Oh it is delicious and wonderful! There was a Sao Braz coffee shop just a short five minutes from our host home, right on the beach. I spent just about every morning here.

Pao de Quejo (cheese bread)

Old town Recife

 Across from old town Recife is the ocean, but between the city and the rest of the Atlantic is a man-made island full of pagan gods. It was a boat ride across shark infested waters. We had a time of worship and prayer on this demonic island.

Idols on the demonic island

Nic and Blaire on the demonic island

Tiny boats to the demonic island

 The other places we ministered to the broken were to the prostituted men, women and children. Brazil has an incredible number of transgendered prostitutes, most of them underage boys.

A young women prostituting

 The most incredible thing happened, second only to my encounter with Paulo earlier in that week. As a small group of my team and I were ministering to a group of  prostituted women, one of them, Gabrielle, began to prophesy to us. In essence she told us that we must keep coming down to the streets and being a light to the broken! That we could be doing anything else in the world but we decided to spend our money and time to be on the streets with her. She told that we must bring more people to come and minister! It was incredibly powerful!

Then, Gabrielle had a john pull up and she got in his car and left.

An old apartment complex, taken over and now a favela

 At our host home in the back was a small house of prayer. Our team spent 2-4 hours a day crying out for the Lord to visit this city.

Beach in Recife, I miss this!