I Cast my Crown

Days where my pride overtakes every ounce of Christ-likeness in me. When I'm fumbling and fuming all in one breath. This is when I cast my crown.

I cast my crown and say not my will but Yours.

I cast my crown and say to You belongs honor.

I cast my crown because I have no good thing apart from He who crowned me.

This beautiful God crowned me with grace and glory. Yeah, He dreamed of me. Yeah, He thought of every quirk, every intonation of my voice, every freckle on my face. So really my good is His.

Today I choose mercy.

I give mercy to the people who knowingly or unknowingly offended me. I extend mercy to myself for dwelling on lies straight from the enemy about my worth, my purpose, my value. I must do this. I have to. Life is a vapor and it is fading ever so quickly. My minor pains and bruises are so miniscule and petty compared to the real injustice occurring in this world. To the merciful, He shows Himself merciful.

I cast my crown and I weep.

I weep over pain.

I weep because it's so silly how much pain I feel over the silliest comment. I weep because I know that God weeps with me over these tiny, itty bitty infractions. No one else sees, but Him. He knows every detail of my life.

I cast my crown and I hold the hand of He who holds this world.

God never enacts the pause control button on the world. He never escapes into fantasy just to not feel the pain over betrayal, to not feel the atrocities of abuse, to not see the hate and murder in families. He never slumbers. He never sleeps.

And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are naked and open to the eyes of Him to whom we must give account. -Hebrews 4.13

I cast my crown, again for I am naked before God. Every vulnerability, every wall of defense, every well articulated argument is leveled before Him.

This is good news. He knows me. He extends mercy because of His humility. He takes my crown that I've casted down and places it back onto my mangled hair. And says, today I've crowned you, today I've given you grace and glory.

He gives us so much dignity. He gives us so much honor. He gives grace and glory to us.

That's why I can cast my crown and love God all the more than I did moments before.

New Beginnings for this Blog

I’m engaged and almost married. Marriage is this beautiful, looming adventure that many travel to yet few fight hard and finish well. For Kyl, my fiancé, and me divorce isn’t an option, at all.  We have settled it; we won’t even throw around such a term in a threatening, fix-yourself fight.

Now let me be blunt: I’ve never been the girl who has dreamed about her fluffy, extravagant wedding. Before I met Kyl, I was content with being single. Perhaps it was my jaded, been there been hurt by men attitude. Even as a child and before the trauma and drama of adolescence, I never played the princess bride. I was rumbling and tumbling through canyons and bare feet with my older brother, hunting coyotes and finding fox skulls.

So into my broken and cryptic life waltzes this unassuming and authentic man, Kyl Michael Means. One and half years later I’m sold, done deal, mind made up: I’m choosing this man to love for the rest of my life. Honestly, he choose me first, but I said yes!

I’m beyond excited to be married!

There’s going to be so much laughter and joy. There’s also going to be so many tears and hard choices. I want to record real life on this blog. Hollywood sells our daughters and friends such a lie when it comes to the “ideal relationship.” I want to demystify love and dating. I want to get down into the nitty gritty of why God created man and woman, why it is not good for man to be without a companion, a helper. I want to share stories of success, failure, hilarity and victory.

In no way do I have the answer. But there’s a path and I’m following this little light of mine and venturing hand in hand with my Friend, my Jesus, my Comforter to encourage, provoke, inspire and guide broken women like myself to lift the vision higher and receive every drop of mercy and glory that the Father eagerly awaits to place into your hands.

The unknown is exciting, requiring the rising out of comfort to find it. Here we go!

December 18, 2012 the day Kyl proposed to me in San Diego

Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:16

This is why I’m writing.

Let your light so shine before men – the truth of what the very Word of God says about marriage, being a godly wife and best friend to your husband that he feels so romanced, honored, encouraged and empowered to walk out his calling.

That they may see – when your husband sees how faithfully and joyfully you love him in prayer, deed, word and thought it in turn causes him to lead your family with such integrity and authenticity, a true partnership.

Your good works – how to walk out love: practically, spiritually, emotionally; how you carry the dreams and secrets of his heart before God, your children and friends.

And glorify your Father in heaven – God is the primary, the reason, the source, the rock of your marriage, it’s all unto Him being made known and receiving love and worship from your family, the picture of marriage is only a type and shadow of our impending union with Him in glory.